Not everyone has the experience of having a childhood home but for those who do, there comes a day when decisions need to be made. Whether it’s to help aging parents make decisions about whether to age in place and adapt the home or to sell.
With these decisions can come complexities that one might not think about, especially if there are siblings involved who have differing opinions about what should happen. Or the sheer emotion attached to one’s childhood home and the memories made under that roof and what they represent to everyone involved.
We’ve interviewed two Massachusetts women who have walked this path and shared their deeply personal experiences to help those going through this stage of life.
From Birth to Death: A Family Home Spanning Generations
Caragh Feinblatt’s dad took his first and last breaths in the home where she was raised with her three siblings. It had been in her family for more than 90 years so the family history (and emotions) ran deep. When Caragh’s mother was widowed, she decided it was best to downsize, which made sense but the family history required processing for everyone.
Below is Caragh’s Q&A:
What would you want someone to know who is about to embark on this process now that you’ve been through it and have 20/20 hindsight?
I think remembering that moving on is part of life – by that I mean holding on emotionally can hinder any new memories yet to be made. Be grateful for the good times had. I think it’s important to have a realtor that is a great communicator. You want someone who is going to listen to the buyer’s concerns and be part of your selling team. Having a buyer to walk you through each step and take an interest can make a big difference in the selling process. And take stock of what you might be able to bring with you and what you can donate and then what you want to leave to anyone. Give yourself time as it can be a tiring process physically and emotionally.
Were there any specific things that you found helpful? Painful? Emotional?
I would say for me, it was more of an emotional process than painful. I can honestly say it was a true “home” in every sense of the word. It was my father’s home and in our family for more than 90 years. The memories are endless. We hosted everything from birthday parties over the years, to Christmas Eve Open Houses, barbeques, sleepovers as a kid, etc. My baby shower and rehearsal dinner was in our home and it was the home my father also died in. It was a place of celebration and sadness but more happiness and a sense of security than anything else.
For your mother, what was most supportive to help her through the process?
My father passed away several years ago. My parents had been married for 50 years so this was I think more emotional for my mom than for me or my siblings. It was the home she built a marriage on and where she raised her family and I know it was hard for her. I think for me personally, I kept my sight on the fact that this was the best move for my her. She is in her 80’s and it’s a huge responsibility having a home and taking care of it. She maintained the home and it was in beautiful condition but having to manage repairs when needed and making sure the landscaper came and there was someone to shovel in the winter became burdensome. She was ready to leave those cares behind and initiated the move.
For adult siblings, how did you all navigate that as you were going through the process?
We were all supportive of each other. I think we all felt a certain loss in the house; certainly what that loss was was different for each of us but keeping our focus on Mom made it easier. We were blessed that she was healthy and able to make another move. She was able to bring a lot of belongings with her and together with siblings, we decided who would take what but Mom made a lot of the decisions and that helped to alleviate potential tension among my siblings. On the day of the move, all four of us were with her and with the movers moved her to her new apartment. It was important and special that we could be together.
What was the hardest thing about the process?
I think the hardest thing about the process is the feeling that because you are leaving this place that you are leaving the memories behind. It’s also challenging as it usually means a parent is entering another chapter in their life. In our case, my dad passed away, and it meant Mom navigating the days ahead without him. Our childhood home was bought by another family who have young children; I hope they make wonderful memories there.
What, if anything, would you want people to know that would have helped you and what parting words do you have on the topic?
No doubt this can be an emotional process. I miss the house to this day and something still drive by. In my heart, it will always still be “our” house but as sad as I feel some days, I am much more grateful to have had a place that was so special. The memories come with us all!
A Love Story for the Ages Held Under One Roof
Abby Furlong was raised in her childhood home with her three siblings and had to grapple with loss and making some big decisions.
Below is Abby’s Q&A:
Please share your story and how it unfolded?
My dad raised four children and was married to my mom for 58 years. He was Mom’s care taker when she was diagnosed with cancer and was holding her when she passed. All of this happened in my childhood home. Dad was a hard worker and when he wasn’t working, he was often fixing his house, making it a home. His wish was to live the rest of his life in his home where he had so many memories of our family and most especially our mom, his wife, the love of his life. Dad at 82 broke his hip in the yard, and subsequently his health declined significantly, making it unsafe to stay home. He passed away in late 2023.
What actionable steps/advice would you give to others?
I would encourage people to talk to their parents about downsizing while they still have their health and faculties to make decisions that are best for them and that will make their lives easier and happier as they get older. Consider adding an in-law apartment to your home for your aging parents that will be suitable should they become sick. Nursing homes are short staffed and many are subpar. If you wait forwhen you have to sell your childhood home, it is more difficult. Chances are you have to sell because your parent(s) become ill or pass. They no longer are able to help you make this very hard decision. You may have to sell quickly to access the funds needed to pay medical expenses. If your parents took out a reverse mortgage, and are living in a rehab or nursing home, the bank can say they’re in default on the loan and foreclose.
What was hardest emotionally?
Selling your childhood home when you’re also under the emotional stress of caring for a sick parent is exhausting on all levels. You’re left sorting through a lifetime’s worth of possessions, some meaningful, others insignificant. You have to decide. You may no longer have your parents to ask, “Who’s this a painting of?” or “Why did you keep this ticket stub?”
What surprised you (if anything) during this process?
I knew my parents were deeply devoted to each other, but I never realized how madly in love they truly were. They kept every card they ever gave each other, every love letter. My favorite letter that I found was written by my dad to my mom just before they were married in December of 1962. Dad was on a destroyer headed for Cuba during the Cuban missile crisis. He wrote, “Cindy, there was so much that I wanted to tell you and yet the words wouldn’t come. I honestly believe that this will all blow over. It has to Cindy for the world’s sake.” Later he wrote, ” You’re my life. I just can’t live without you.”
What advice would you have to others who are beginning the process of selling their childhood home?
Don’t wait to talk to your parents about their wishes for the future and try to make a plan. Ask about those mementos they keep on their dresser and the old photographs tucked away in the closet.
Want more? Read our blog 4 Ways to Help Your Family Avoid Probate
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